


As If I'd Choose Anything Else

by hokay



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: (kinda), CDTH spoilers, Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, Pynch Secret Santa 2019, Snow, Soft Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hokay/pseuds/hokay
Summary: Adam loved when it snowed.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 34
Kudos: 188





	As If I'd Choose Anything Else

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to this week's episode of "Holy hell, I haven't written anything in a really long time." 
> 
> This is my submission for @magicianparrish over on Tumblr's 2019 Pynch Big Bang. Their request included something a little fluffy, a little college trope-y, and Ronan visiting Adam at Harvard with possibly a little Christmas thrown in. I couldn't quite manage the motorcycle riding, love, but there is a mention! 
> 
> Since this is a couple years in the future, it has SUPER VAGUE spoilers for CDTH with the barest hint of a theory, so be warned.

Adam loved when it snowed. 

He loved the way the world went quiet after a good snow like it was taking a deep breath before starting again. When he was young, he’d run out into the snow after each bad night and just breathe in the chilly air, letting it seep into his bones and numb him from the inside out. 

His first snow at St. Agnes had been hell - enough to make Adam think about defrosting his pride enough to see if there was room at Monmouth - until Ronan brought the dreamt space heater that changed temperature according to how cold it was in the room but never got too hot. That - and Ronan’s mouth on his collar bone, a different kind of heat - had kept him toasty warm all through the winter and let him renew his love affair with snow. 

His first Harvard winter had come with its trials and Adam didn’t have time to appreciate the magic of his first snow in Cambridge. That had been the year he’d almost lost Ronan, almost lost a piece of himself as essential as his lungs. There wasn’t a lot that he remembered about that snow except that it came with pain, a different kind of pain than what he was used to. It had come with fear and uncertainty and a little more heartbreak than what Adam had been ready for; it hadn’t broken him, but it had done its best. 

Three years later, this was a very different Christmas than the Christmas of his freshman year. 

As Adam unwrapped his scarf, careful not to let any wet clumps of snow slip under his sweater collar, he thought of his upcoming shift and what it would mean when he was finished. 

Usually, when he took an extra library shift, he let himself bask in the comfort of the books and peaceful quiet. Around finals, the atmosphere was always a little sour with panic but Adam hardly noticed. He had learned to love learning for learning’s sake, rather than how it could help him escape. When he started working in the library, he let himself just love books. 

Today’s shift, however, was more duty than pleasure. He had six hours to knock out and then he was released for winter break. The freedom was almost close enough to taste, but he wouldn’t let himself think about it yet. He had to compartmentalize, one shelf at a time, or the promise of it would drive him crazy. Sighing deeply, Adam clocked in and grabbed a cart of books to shelve. He cleared his mind like he was getting ready to scry, and let everything else fade away until there was nothing but the rustling of papers, the thick scent of dust, and the sharp plastic crinkle of book spines. 

That was where Jane, one of the assistant librarians, found him two hours later, deep in the medical research stacks, reshelving journals and studies. 

“Adam,” she said warmly. “I thought you’d have left for break already.” She pushed her glasses up with her middle knuckle as she said it, a trait that always reminded him fondly of Gansey. 

“Not yet,” said Adam, smiling. “Cora had a makeup final because of the snow, so I took her shift. I’m done after this.” He frowned slightly at the two journals in his hands as he realized they belonged two rows over. 

“Good,” Jane laughed. “I was afraid we’d have to take your key away for the duration of break, just to make sure you took some time off. Anything special planned for the holiday?” 

“I’m going home,” Adam said, putting the books down and leaning back slightly, stretching his back. He still forgot to take breaks if no one was around to remind him. 

Jane nodded. “North Carolina, right?” 

Adam bit his lip, smiling. “No ma’am, but close. Virginia.” 

Jane laughed, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. It’s the accent - we Northern girls are a sucker for a Southern drawl.” 

Adam beamed at her for just a moment, eyes crinkling. He’d tried to hide his accent his entire life, let it fade away into nothingness, but the middle-aged library ladies ate it up like pie. As Maura had told him the summer before he left for school, “People deserve the chance to decide if they want to love you, Adam. The real you. We did.” 

So what if he let his accent slip a little more during work and was extra polite to students when he worked the desk? His senior year at Aglionby had started to wear away some of his sharp edges and the time after that had just softened him even more - Adam couldn’t say he minded. 

He opened his mouth, ready to ask Jane about her holiday plans when he saw her eyes catch on someone behind him and her face shuttered. 

“May we help you?” she asked coldly. 

Adam only heard her use that voice with people who looked like they were in the library just to be disruptive. As he turned, he expected to see some underclassmen planning a prank or a gaggle of rich kids trawling the stacks looking for girls to harass. 

Instead, he got an eyeful of Ronan Lynch, carefully picking his way through the shelves, hands shoved deep into his pockets and bright blue eyes fixed on Adam. 

Adam’s whole body flushed hot and cold all over as Ronan reached them. He remembered how, three years ago, Ronan had been banned from campus, but the sheer joy of seeing him there, in person, was almost more than Adam’s sensibilities could bear. 

“Young man,” Jane said, “can we help you find something?” 

“Found it,” Ronan said easily, one hand slipping out of his pocket to toy with the elbow of Adam’s sweater. “‘Sup, Parrish.” 

Adam’s cheeks felt hot, though he knew his Henrietta tan wouldn’t betray him to Jane. It had been a long time since the two of them had been awkward and fumbling around each other, but Ronan’s knowing look was almost too much, and Adam looked away quickly before he did something embarrassing. 

“It’s okay, Jane, I know him.” Adam quirked one side of his mouth just right in a grin, flashing a single dimple. “This is my boyfriend, Ronan.” 

“Oh.” Jane’s sharp eyes scanned Ronan. Ronan gazed back, coolly unimpressed. “Adam, sweetheart, I had no idea.” 

“It’s okay,” Adam said again, trying not to laugh. “He’s a lot, I know.” 

“Rude,” Ronan muttered, shoulders rolling under his jacket. Adam nudged him with the elbow Ronan was still holding. 

Jane looked unsure but turned to go all the same. “I’ll leave you boys to it, then,” she said, studying Adam’s face for a long moment. “Adam, don’t forget to swing by the desk on your way out. The librarians put together a little something for all the senior student workers.” 

“I’ll do that,” Adam reassured her, raising a placating hand as she disappeared with a final curious look at Ronan. Adam turned just in time to see Ronan's eyebrows unknit themselves from his usual antagonistic glare into something that was meant to be innocent but had never looked right on Ronan’s model-sharp handsome face. 

“Leave the little old ladies alone, Lynch. Jesus.” Adam happily slipped his hand around Ronan’s waist to rest just above the waistband of his jeans.

Ronan snorted, jostling Adam closer into a hug. “I didn’t like how cozy she was getting with my boyfriend in the stacks, Parrish. Isn’t this where all the sexy shit goes down?” He waggled his eyebrows for effect and Adam nearly burst out laughing. Quick as lightning, he reached up with his free hand to pull Ronan into a kiss. It was just a moment, but that moment was enough to make Adam’s blood boil. When he pulled back, Ronan’s eyes were bright. If he’d been a lesser man, Adam would have made good on Ronan’s misguided ideas on what went on in the secluded areas of the library and dropped to his knees right then and there. 

Adam Parrish, however, had worked very hard not to be a lesser man and stepped away instead, saying, “You’re not allowed to be here.” 

“As if I’d choose anything else,” Ronan said easily, shoving his hand back in his pocket. “Anyway, I’m not really here.” 

“Hell of a hologram,” Adam murmured, fingering the zipper on Ronan’s jacket. He ignored the way his heart flipped at Ronan’s words. 

Ronan gave him A Look but didn’t move. “I knew you’d be working and I didn’t want any fucked up miscommunication bullshit. We’re not going home yet. Not _yet_ , I said,” he grinned when Adam opened his mouth to argue, confused. “It’s fixing to snow like crazy and the roads are gonna suck. I got a hotel room off-campus where we can wait out the storm.” He said it _“fixin’ ta,”_ an Adam-ism carefully teased out and cherished over time.

“It’s New England,” Adam said. “We could die waiting out the storm.” 

“Don’t be a smartass,” Ronan said, looking like he wanted to kiss Adam again. 

It was Adam’s turn to give him A Look without any real heat. “I told you not to come get me, asshole.” 

“Yeah, I ignored that bit.” Ronan looked far too proud. “Didn’t you miss me at all, Parrish?” 

Adam couldn’t help himself; he had to kiss Ronan for that. “You know I did,” he mumbled against Ronan’s lips, cold from being outside but warming from being inside and being near Adam. 

They stared at each other for half a minute, before Ronan smirked, throwing his head back in the cocky, self-assured move he’d perfected when he was seventeen. “I’d better go before your boss lady tells everyone I’m here to steal your virtue.”

Never one for being coy, Adam looked dead on when he asked, “Aren’t you though?”

Ronan’s fair Irish coloring didn’t hide a blush nearly as well as Adam’s tan did. “Don’t tempt me, Parrish,” he muttered and Adam laughed. 

“I’m done in, like, four hours,” he said, checking his watch, the watch Ronan had dreamed for him. “Go back to the hotel and warm up. My stuff’s all ready in the Hondoyta.” 

“I’ll grab it,” Ronan said quickly, taking a step back. “Just text me when you’re done and I’ll meet you on the edge of campus.” 

“Okay,” Adam said, taking mental stock of the contents of his two duffel bags in the car and his backpack in the breakroom. He’d never learned how to travel any way but light. “It’s a date.” 

Ronan’s smile, when it broke through, was beautiful. “It’s a date.” 

* * *

_Tamquam._

The year that Adam had almost been ruined for snow had been the same year the Moderators had destroyed his dreamt-up bike. After that, much to Declan’s annoyance, Ronan kept trying to dream him a new one but Adam refused to take one from him. There was the memory of the dorm room, for one thing, and The Lace. Even with all the good memories that came with the bike (Adam had often thought, hazily, of a dimly lit kitchen and fingers pressed to hip bones, in between ribs), there was still the bad taste in his mouth left by that winter. So Adam didn’t take a new bike and kept with the Hondoyta instead. Besides, he didn’t need fancy motorcycles from Ronan as some weird proof of love. It was hard enough to gather themselves back together after all that without worrying about a motorcycle that drew too many questions on campus. 

Since that winter, Adam had felt like Ronan was holding his breath. They hadn’t really been able to refill their lungs and gulp in sweet freedom since the Moderators had made life hell for them all. Ronan’s relationship with Declan had improved (minutely) and Matthew had accepted that he was a dream (somewhat) but Adam couldn’t help feel like Ronan was waiting for him, somehow. Waiting for Adam to finally call it quits and leave. 

The worst and best thing about Ronan, Adam often thought, was that he was incapable of receiving the all-encompassing love he gave Adam so freely. Adam didn’t even know if he could call it incapability, really. It was more stubbornness, a sheer desire to love more than be loved and it was impossible. It was an impossible love that just made Adam love Ronan more, but getting Ronan to see had been a struggle, especially in those months after. Four years together and they weren’t always perfect - sometimes there was more “fucked up miscommunication bullshit” than they cared to admit. 

_“We’re still okay,”_ he’d told Ronan after the first hellish nightmare that winter. He meant it as much now as he did then. Adam didn’t think he’d ever stop meaning it. 

_Alter idem._

* * *

Adam wrapped his scarf tighter around his nose and mouth as he set off toward the north end of campus. Ronan always stayed at the same hotel, as close as he could get to campus without the potential of getting Adam into trouble. As much as Adam loved Harvard, he was ready to settle somewhere Ronan could actually step onto the property without fear of prosecution. With a wry smile, he hitched his backpack higher on his shoulders and walked faster. Snowflakes were starting to fall in earnest, fat flakes that gave no thought to anyone’s agenda but their own. 

It was only a six-minute walk to the edge of campus, even through the snow. Adam was gratified and unsurprised to see Ronan waiting for him at the boundary line. There had been a time, once, when the Ronan he knew would have been so furious at the prospect of standing just outside campus lines that he would have rebelled without a single thought. Ronan hadn’t been that angry kid for a few years, though, just like Adam hadn’t been the touch-starved nobody from nowhere. They’d grown into each other, feeding and nurturing the best parts of themselves until Adam sometimes wondered if there was anything else. 

Ronan was on his phone ( _growth_ ) and Adam was almost able to sneak all the way up to him before he looked up. He was wearing the dark gray beanie Adam had gotten him for his birthday and the darkness of his jacket, beanie, and smile made his eyes shine unnaturally bright. 

“Hi,” Adam said, pulling down his scarf. His breath frosted out in front of him. 

“Hi,” Ronan replied, stowing his phone in his jacket pocket. As in the library, he was the first to reach out, hauling Adam in by his backpack straps until they were pressed tight. 

Ronan’s lips caught Adam’s in a far more generous kiss than the ones in the library. _I could die here_ , Adam thought nonsensically. _I could die with his lips on mine and that would be alright._

They pulled apart after a long moment and Adam smiled. “Your nose is bright red,” he said, leaning up slightly to brush his own nose against the feature in question. “How long have you been out here?” 

“I was waiting for you to text and then I got bored, so I just came out to wait,” Ronan shrugged as though it was nothing. “But we should go back to the hotel now because I do believe my nuts have entirely frozen off.” 

Adam laughed. “That’s real sweet, Ro.” He started walking towards the hotel and Ronan’s long legs quickly caught up before matching him stride for stride. 

“Seriously, Parrish, it’s colder than Declan’s hospitality skills out here.” 

“Oooh,” Adam said. “Hospitality’s a big word for a high school dropout.” 

Ronan scuffed the toe of his Docs through the snow. “I got a fancy boyfriend, Parrish, I gotta use fancy words.” He sniffed, glancing up at the sky. A snowflake caught in his eyelashes and Adam’s heart twisted. “Okay, let’s hear it.” 

Adam sidestepped a high snowdrift, holding onto Ronan’s elbow for balance. “Hear what?” 

Ice blue eyes cut to him, full of knowing and mirth. “Every winter, you always have this five-minute rant of all the things you’re gearing up for in the spring. I figured we could get it out of the way before we get back to the hotel.” His soft smile went predatory. “I kinda plan on you not being able to think much once we get to the room.” 

_Twist_. “Jesus, Ronan.” 

The offender in question licked his lips in a way that was possibly banned in several areas of the continental U.S. “Exactly. So, come on, let’s hear it.” 

Adam chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t have a rant, really. It’s my last semester, so I guess I’m nervous? But I’m also not, because I’m kind of ready to just get out and do my thing, you know?” He took a deep breath. “I actually found a pretty perfect job and they’ll let me work remotely. I have to go into the office once or twice a month, but they’ll pay for me to go to conferences and stuff. The pay isn’t as high as I’d like, but I know a couple of grads that work there. Some Gansey connections.” He rubbed his nose, a little embarrassed. “Anyway. Interviews start in February.” 

He walked a few more steps before he noticed that Ronan had gone quiet. After five years, Adam had worked out how to tell when Ronan was being quiet and when Ronan was quiet. It was a blink-and-you-miss-it nuance; this silence was the latter. It was confirmed when Ronan stopped walking to stare at the sidewalk. A distant, self-preserving part of Adam’s brain wondered how long he’d have to stand there before snowflakes fully covered his head and shoulders. 

Adam curled his hands nervously in his pockets. “Ro?” 

“A remote job? Really?” Ronan’s voice was flat. “Why would you want to work remotely?” 

Nerves intensified. Adam sucked on his top lip. “More people are. My advisors all say there’s nothing wrong with it; the office is in D.C. so it’s not crazy far.” 

Ronan laughed; it wasn’t nice. “Adam.” He looked up. It was fierce enough to burn. “Why the fuck would you take a remote job instead of just living in D.C.?” 

This was it. Adam’s palms were clammy; the snow was thick between the two of them. “Because maybe I want to stay close to the Barns and this job would let me do it.” 

“Son of fucking Christ,” Ronan swore softly. He scrubbed at his face with his hands. His knuckles were red from the cold. Adam made a mental note to slip some gloves under The Barns’ tree when they got home, not that Ronan would wear them. He came up for air and Adam saw a glimpse of the angry, tortured boy he’d met at sixteen. “You don’t want to go back to Henrietta,” Ronan snapped. It wasn’t a question. 

Adam’s pulse pounded in his throat. “Not particularly,” he said slowly, “but I do want to come back to you.” 

And there it was. The thought he’d had since the previous summer when he and Ronan had stayed up for hours, wrapped around one another in the heat and humidity, no intention of pulling apart for anything except food and to shift positions. Something had clicked into place in Adam’s brain then, and he hadn’t been able to get the feeling of it out of his head. Even now, standing in the thick Massachusetts snow that fell around them like a curtain, he couldn’t stop thinking of Ronan’s face relaxed in sleep, of the way his fingers looked pressed against Ronan’s lips at dawn, of pouring coffee in the Barns kitchen and feeling the deep contentment of _home_. He’d cried for the first time in years in August and Ronan had looked wrecked, kissing his wet eyelids and whispering, _“Soon.”_

Ronan’s face was wrecked again, with pain and longing and hurt. He looked like he was choosing his words carefully. Adam waited patiently as Ronan deliberately held himself at arm’s length and said, 

“There are a lot of things that have tried to kill me.” Adam wanted to look away since he’d been one of those things, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. “You sticking around because you felt like you should - that would do it. If you felt like you had to go to D.C. or Kansas City or fucking San Francisco, I could handle that. But I couldn’t handle being an obligation for you.” 

“Ronan.” Adam’s throat burned. They stood, looking at each other. Ronan’s eyes were bright.

“I love you,” he whispered. The snow muffled everything just enough that Adam heard it like a shout. “I love you enough to see you go if that was best for you.” 

“ _Ronan_.” Adam stepped to him until the only thing between them was their breath. “You are the best thing for me. You always have been.” 

“Always?” Ronan choked, eyes slipping closed. Ronan didn’t dabble in hidden meanings; he ran head-on into self-flagellation. 

But this was a very different Christmas than Adam’s freshman year. 

“ _Tamquam_ ,” Adam said. He slipped his hand out of his pocket. The shock of cold air was welcome against his over-warm palm. 

Without opening his eyes, Ronan’s lips quirked into a grin. “ _Alter idem_.” 

“Ronan,” Adam breathed. “Open your eyes. Please.” He pressed the contents of his pocket into Ronan’s chest. 

Ronan’s eyes flew open. “The fuck is this?” 

Adam’s blood sang. He felt like he was flying. “This is how much I absolutely don’t want to go anywhere that takes me away from you. Or it’s an early Christmas present. Take your pick.” He cleared his throat. “It’s not nearly as cool as a dream motorcycle.” 

Ronan’s fingers wrapped around his, which were wrapped around the box. They opened it together and Ronan’s breath hitched at the black carbon fiber ring that sat nestled there. “Fuck off,” he breathed. “This is so much cooler and you know it.” 

Adam laughed. “I mean it, Ro. There’s nothing I want more in this world than to be where you are.” 

When Ronan looked up at him, his eyes were dry but they shone at Adam like twin stars. “You’re such an asshole, you know that?” Ronan said weakly. “I’ve got a fucking ring at home with your name on it but Sargent told me proposing at Christmas was too cliche.” 

“Probably because she went ring shopping with me in October,” Adam said casually. 

“Goddammit.” Ronan looked impressed. 

Adam pressed their foreheads together, smiling. “Ronan. You haven’t said yes.” 

Ronan’s laugh drifted away from them in billowing clouds of steam. “You fucker. You don’t even have to ask. Of course it’s a yes.” 

It was Adam’s turn to pull him into a kiss, then, and he did so with gusto. Ronan’s arms came up fiercely to wrap around his shoulders, the ring and its box pressed between them. Both of their lips were a little chapped from being out in the cold so long but it didn’t register. Adam nipped gently at Ronan’s bottom lip, his tongue coming out to gently soothe the bite and Ronan made a sound in the back of his throat that went straight to Adam’s knees. 

“You’re stubborn as hell, you know that?” Ronan asked as they pulled apart and he reached into the box to slip the ring on his finger. Adam quickly snatched it from him and did the honors, marveling at how easily the ring fit on Ronan’s hand. Ronan looked at him adoringly. Adam looked right back. “You’re gonna be stuck with me for the rest of your life.” 

Adam’s smile felt as though it could split his entire face. The snow came down around them and he couldn’t feel a single flake. “As if I’d choose anything else.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments greatly appreciated.


End file.
